We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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