Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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