My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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