I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How does it feel to date your dad?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
