he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
