Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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