3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
