I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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