it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
