This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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