So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
