I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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