Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
