the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
