my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
