I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
