well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
