i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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