if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
