Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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