I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
