and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
