Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
