Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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