I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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