I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
