i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
