This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
