The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
