i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
