Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
