living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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