i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Two words: blizzard sex
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
