I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
