he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
