the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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