Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Randomize
