Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
