I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
