if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
handjob tips. give me some.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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