I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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