I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I want to fling myself into the sun
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
