I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
