you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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