gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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