nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
