we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
