you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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