Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
