I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
