So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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