I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
