And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
