I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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