On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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