we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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