I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
