She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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