doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
