Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
