I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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